It's almost 3 AM and I'm still up.
I can never sleep anymore unless it's during the day and Eric's there.
It's been like this since I worked that week of nights.
Ugh!
The problem is I'm not even tired though.
I know I should be sleeping.
I'm just not.
But I know if I go to bed I'll put in a movie and watch the whole thing rather than fall asleep like I do everytime me and Eric watch a movie together!
Sooo Eric goes to work and I try to sort out my life, watch tv and play with my dogs.
I wish I could live a stress free life, or at least a little bit less stress would be nice.
I just need to get my life figured out.
I need to pick a career and run with it.
My college experience is never ending and I don't even like college!
There's just too many things that I 'may' or 'may not' want to do in my life.
I want to have a daycare and I want to teach and I want to be a vet tech and I want to work with special needs kids and I want to run an animal shelter and I want to work at an adoption center and I want to be an animal cop and I want to know what I want to do!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
So called friend
I don't even know how to start this. I feel like I don't even know who you are. I am completely baffled and sad and confused and pissed off right now. I hate being proven wrong and I was definitely proven wrong. Eric was right. I argued and fought and stood up for you only to look like the fool in the end. You probably wonder what I mean. A good source let me know what you have been up to. I know everything. I know that you and your new best friend have been plotting against Eric, which in turn means 'me and Eric'. Don't feed me the 'I only want you to be happy' line and the 'I don't want to cause more stress for you' line because that's exactly what you did. Not only did you talk about me and Eric before we were even fighting but AFTER I told you we had worked things out you continued to talk and plot against us. Not only have you continually talked about the personal things I have talked to you about;but you made things up. I know you told everyone in the backroom what Eric and I were fighting about plus more. Which is nobodies business but my own; I confided in you. I asked for your advice, I didn't ask you to tell everyone who you talk to through the course of your day. I've never been so embarrassed and hurt and from my 'best friend' none the less. I told you private details, things I don't talk to anyone else about. My sex life, my relationship and everything else and you ran your mouth to everyone in the backroom. I know you told everyone about how you think Eric verbally abuses me and how he ignores me which may be true in parts but I'm not perfect in this relationship either. Nobody is. You certainly aren't anyone who can judge. It is my choice to decide how I want to live my life and who I want to be with. Clearly, I know and trust Eric more than you so why couldn't you just leave it be? And even so, if you thought that he was abusing me, at what point do you feel that it's your job to tell everyone you work with? Especially people who you know I don't like?! If you were that concerned you should have talked to me, or a professional. What's more ridiculous and the absolute most unforgivable part is the discussion you had about Eric raping me. Did you think I wouldn't find out? What sick person jokes about rape? Do you know that false accusations of rape could get you in serious trouble? You and I both know that nothing like that has ever happened between me and Eric. I don't know what's going on with you that would make you act like this or what I ever did to you to deserve this but i think you seriously need to reevaluate who you are and who you choose to be friends with. God, I don't even know if you ever told me the truth while we were friends. I'm sure you had something to do with the whole Stephanie rumors too. Yea Eric flirts with allll these girls every night. That's great. I hope you guys got your kicks. You keep acting like you're a victim, like me and George are the enemy. You fucked up. Yea you were a rebound to him, get over it. You knew what you were getting into. As with me I don't know if you're jealous or what. Eric and I have been nothing but stronger without you around. And that is sad. I looked at you as a support system but you just couldn't wait to make him sound bad. For some reason I listened.
I will never forgive you.
You need to know that I went to management. It's going to be addressed. I have a written witness statement. This is my place of work we're talking about. I will not be embarrassed by the lies and rumors that come from you and michael. I didn't want to go to management. You can ask anyone. I kept our so called friendship as my reason to keep quiet, and then I saw the way you were acting and who you decided to spend your time with. Your stupid immature friends paying me a visit didn't help either, if that happens again I'll get them thrown out, childish behavior like that is something I will not deal with. You know me better than that. How would you feel if I went around telling everyone about you and your private life? I could go into details but that would only be stooping to your level. Let me tell you, it hurts. I wouldn't do that though, friendship and trust mean something to me. I see now, why Eric has a hard time trusting people. It makes perfect sense.
I will never forgive you.
You need to know that I went to management. It's going to be addressed. I have a written witness statement. This is my place of work we're talking about. I will not be embarrassed by the lies and rumors that come from you and michael. I didn't want to go to management. You can ask anyone. I kept our so called friendship as my reason to keep quiet, and then I saw the way you were acting and who you decided to spend your time with. Your stupid immature friends paying me a visit didn't help either, if that happens again I'll get them thrown out, childish behavior like that is something I will not deal with. You know me better than that. How would you feel if I went around telling everyone about you and your private life? I could go into details but that would only be stooping to your level. Let me tell you, it hurts. I wouldn't do that though, friendship and trust mean something to me. I see now, why Eric has a hard time trusting people. It makes perfect sense.
I want to be happy
My lips are chapped.
My eyes swollen.
It's not the allergies this time.
I miss Ziggy.
I hate feeling alone even when I'm not.
I hate that I have a boyfriend who selectively likes me; selectively.
I just want to be loved, to feel loved.
I don't think he has it in him; love.
I've tried so hard.
What else can I do?
Explain it?
He probably wouldn't listen.
Maybe...?
What if I tell him that I hear Jack Johnson and I smile because I think of him
And that the summer spent in a house that wreaked of cigarettes and had no power was my favorite summer ever
Or that when I have to sleep alone I sleep on his side because it smells like him
Or that I hate his laugh, but I really love it
Or that when he sings I fall even harder for him; every time
His hugs
When he lets me know that he was thinking of me
When he calls me baby
When he watches chick flicks with me and doesn't complain
When he lets me cry on his shoulder and tells me it will be OK
When he thinks of 'our' future
When he loves on my dogs
When he compliments me.
Or when he talks to his mom about me
When he feeds ducks with me
When he laughs with me
When he gets rid of spiders for me
Surprises me
Rubs my back
Watches scary movies with me
Lets me listen to my song on the radio even when he hates it
Compromises.
Talks to me about his day
Gets excited about his game; nerd.
When he cooks
When he cleans
When he holds me
When he gives me valentines day re dos
Hangs out with my friends
Gives me someone to brag about
But it probably wouldn't help at all to tell him that I hate it when he hurts me
Or talks down to me
Yells at me
Tells me I'm ridiculous
Talks about other hot girls and never says anything about his current girlfriend; me.
Talks about how hot his ex was; she really wasn't anything special.
Tells me he's done with me
Would rather play his game than spend time with me
Makes me cry
Makes me feel like I'm not good enough
Doesn't even give my family a chance
Hates everyone
Tells me what I should or shouldn't do
Yells
Tells me I'm immature
Looks at me when he's angry
Tells me he's done
Wants to hurt people
Puts people down
Why should I trust my heart with someone who can just disregard things/people so quickly?
It would be stupid on my part.
Get myself up just for him to be over it and walk out
I'm worth effort
A good relationship takes work.
Compromise
Effort from both sides
Dealing with insecurities
Learning together
Lucky for me, he did listen.
He listened and he continues to listen.
He listens and he talks, not yells, and he compromises.
He shows me how much he cares.
My eyes swollen.
It's not the allergies this time.
I miss Ziggy.
I hate feeling alone even when I'm not.
I hate that I have a boyfriend who selectively likes me; selectively.
I just want to be loved, to feel loved.
I don't think he has it in him; love.
I've tried so hard.
What else can I do?
Explain it?
He probably wouldn't listen.
Maybe...?
What if I tell him that I hear Jack Johnson and I smile because I think of him
And that the summer spent in a house that wreaked of cigarettes and had no power was my favorite summer ever
Or that when I have to sleep alone I sleep on his side because it smells like him
Or that I hate his laugh, but I really love it
Or that when he sings I fall even harder for him; every time
His hugs
When he lets me know that he was thinking of me
When he calls me baby
When he watches chick flicks with me and doesn't complain
When he lets me cry on his shoulder and tells me it will be OK
When he thinks of 'our' future
When he loves on my dogs
When he compliments me.
Or when he talks to his mom about me
When he feeds ducks with me
When he laughs with me
When he gets rid of spiders for me
Surprises me
Rubs my back
Watches scary movies with me
Lets me listen to my song on the radio even when he hates it
Compromises.
Talks to me about his day
Gets excited about his game; nerd.
When he cooks
When he cleans
When he holds me
When he gives me valentines day re dos
Hangs out with my friends
Gives me someone to brag about
But it probably wouldn't help at all to tell him that I hate it when he hurts me
Or talks down to me
Yells at me
Tells me I'm ridiculous
Talks about other hot girls and never says anything about his current girlfriend; me.
Talks about how hot his ex was; she really wasn't anything special.
Tells me he's done with me
Would rather play his game than spend time with me
Makes me cry
Makes me feel like I'm not good enough
Doesn't even give my family a chance
Hates everyone
Tells me what I should or shouldn't do
Yells
Tells me I'm immature
Looks at me when he's angry
Tells me he's done
Wants to hurt people
Puts people down
Why should I trust my heart with someone who can just disregard things/people so quickly?
It would be stupid on my part.
Get myself up just for him to be over it and walk out
I'm worth effort
A good relationship takes work.
Compromise
Effort from both sides
Dealing with insecurities
Learning together
Lucky for me, he did listen.
He listened and he continues to listen.
He listens and he talks, not yells, and he compromises.
He shows me how much he cares.
What is a best friend?
What is a best friend?
Someone who you can:
Trust?
Laugh with?
Cry with?
Share with?
Talk with?
Sing with?
Dance with?
Drive with?
Work with?
Act silly with?
Solve problems with?
Never be lonely with?
Someone who you can:
Trust?
Laugh with?
Cry with?
Share with?
Talk with?
Sing with?
Dance with?
Drive with?
Work with?
Act silly with?
Solve problems with?
Never be lonely with?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Introduction?
So this is something I've been wanting to do for a while now, a blog. I've just been too busy or too preoccupied. That seems to be the story of my life, too preoccupied. Since this is the first post I'm going to keep it short, especially because I'm avoiding school work in order to write this. I do that a lot, avoid things.
I'll use this first entry to explain a little bit about me. My name is Heather, from the title on my page I'm sure you've gathered that I'm not the tallest girl out there. I'm 5 ft 1 in tall. I'm also ok with that. Being called shorti is just something I've gotten used to. I'm a college student at KSU. I'd like to be finished with school soon but it seems like I just can't keep myself on track. Perhaps it's the avoiding getting things done? Besides being a procrastinating student I'm a part time employee of Wal-mart. Surprisingly enough I think I hate it just a little less than most of the people I work with. I've had my moments though. Let's just say at the moment I don't hate it; some of the people I work with, yes, but the job itself, no.
In my free time I like to play with my 3 dogs, spend time with my boyfriend, watch tv, read and write. My dogs are awesome. They are my favorite things in life. Without them I don't think I would survive my own mind. More on that later. My boyfriend is also one of my favorite things. I like him very much. We have our problems but I'm all for working on things. He's a great guy and I have so much fun with him. We live in a small house in Springfield Ohio with my 3 dogs and 3 cats. He's a trooper for agreeing to this arangement, the 7 of us are a handful!
Well for now I'll leave it at that. More to come later.
I'll use this first entry to explain a little bit about me. My name is Heather, from the title on my page I'm sure you've gathered that I'm not the tallest girl out there. I'm 5 ft 1 in tall. I'm also ok with that. Being called shorti is just something I've gotten used to. I'm a college student at KSU. I'd like to be finished with school soon but it seems like I just can't keep myself on track. Perhaps it's the avoiding getting things done? Besides being a procrastinating student I'm a part time employee of Wal-mart. Surprisingly enough I think I hate it just a little less than most of the people I work with. I've had my moments though. Let's just say at the moment I don't hate it; some of the people I work with, yes, but the job itself, no.
In my free time I like to play with my 3 dogs, spend time with my boyfriend, watch tv, read and write. My dogs are awesome. They are my favorite things in life. Without them I don't think I would survive my own mind. More on that later. My boyfriend is also one of my favorite things. I like him very much. We have our problems but I'm all for working on things. He's a great guy and I have so much fun with him. We live in a small house in Springfield Ohio with my 3 dogs and 3 cats. He's a trooper for agreeing to this arangement, the 7 of us are a handful!
Well for now I'll leave it at that. More to come later.
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